12.40 pm. With Gareth in grief and Helen taking another overlong lunch ( going home to make Sky his breakfast I shouldn't wonder ), I had the house to myself. Standing in the centre of my room, as if listening for mice, my mind went curiously blank. Or rather, it seemed to fasten itself into a state of blankness, as if making a point. Was this a stroke? But I had errands to run. Administrative tasks. I had planets to explore with my son. I shook my head, zinging the blankness from one side of the cranium to the other. I went to the window, threw it open and patted my jacket for tobacco. There was a time when cigarettes were both the cause and the solution to these aporias, these gaps in existence. But hadn't I quit seventeen years ago? There was a scratching from across the room, inside the wall. Of course, mice! It was deeply gratifying to have my instinct validated. I was listening for mice! There was a definite scratching, and it would've unnerved anyone. Then a quick knock before the door was thrown open, banging the shelf. In fact, jarring the spine of my early edition Ouspensky.

Why are you not answering your phone?

Men who claim to find angry women sexy are, without exception, loathsome. Saying that, at the precise moment Karen arrived I was, if not having a stroke, then certainly in a meditative trance. This libidinally passive state, crossed with Karen's aggression, sent an erotic charge into a room where it wasn't really wanted.

What happened the other day with Thom? You must tell me. Is it drugs? He smelt of cannabis. Is it cannabis? He won't tell me. 

I'll be back in a minute. Leaving the room quickly, I saw her throw her hands in the air, as if we'd been having this conversation for three or four months and I still wasn't getting it. She was in a rage of frustration, almost visionary.  If I let her release it all now then, within minutes, she'd answer all her own questions. In the kitchen, I threw cold water on my face. To generate some ego strength, I coughed loudly and squeezed my balls. I turned and was about to return to my room when I changed my mind, swiveled back and punched the sink. That was better. Nevertheless, I  returned too quickly because Karen was still pacing around, her hands on her hips.