We were stuck. Thom didn't have a key, his mother wasn't home until six and Serena ( I wasn't listening at this point ), was at a pottery class. So, back in the car and continuing our mutual abasement, I took him for a Drive- Thru burger which, at the last minute, I told him to pay for. Even though he was stunned by my miserliness, he also glimpsed the possibility of his own independence ( or individuation...) and, in seconds, found the money. Beyond the mist of his guilt, he knew it was the strong thing to do. It occurred to me after all the thousands of pounds  I have spent buying him whatever he wanted, this is the moment he would always remember. He will forget it was the day I discovered he was a drug fiend. He'll only remember his stingy bastard father who wouldn't stretch to a Drive-Thru burger. He leapt out of the car, desperate to pay, to consolidate this as memory. My training tells me this is the moment every father of boys' secretly relishes, their own good-riddance.

And so there we were, man and boy, driving in circles. Nowhere to go. The reason Thom and I didn't speak for four months is...One day over the Christmas holidays he got stuck ( not having a key ) for places to go and so he bought Lyra, his first ever girlfriend, back to my house...It was awful. And he hasn't spoken to me since. But that, dear Reader, is a story Thom can tell...Silence...The cannabis had permeated, to be replaced by the perfumed smell of Drive-Thru burger. Only the sound of him eating. The noise of other people....why have I never analysed this..? Chewing, I can tolerate. But depending on my mood, the sound of swallowing makes me rage. So where are we going, Thom? 

Ich WeiB nicht, he said.


Well we cant go to your house. And you won't come to mine..

No way...

I contained the moment, took a breath, and felt very dangerous. It was as though I had resolved to do something without having any idea what it was...Is this how it went with my insane ancestors? I drove faster. There was no way on this earth that my son was going to take from this situation  the memory of buying his first ever burger. Will he think this was the day he became a man? No, I was not done yet. No good riddance to this paternity, not yet. I was not doing any dying today. I drove faster. In the rear view mirror, there was fear on his lips. It was good. Right, we are going to back to the station, back to your friends...In seconds we were there. The five boys leaning against the wall of the waiting room. Well get out then...! I reached over, unlocking the door. My body was so tight, there was no give...GET OUT...!  He didn't say anything. He tried to move, but couldn't..No, no..I'm sorry..Just get OUT...!!! For all my anger, I could see he was too shocked to move...To make it worse, I took to whispering...Get out...Thus began Thom, screaming. And he wailed, and wailed. He kicked the passenger seat and when he'd done kicking, he smashed his head against it, over and over...Finally, when he'd done, I whispered again...Get out. And he did, very slowly and without shutting the door. I drove off, leaving my son where I had found him.