Of course, desire begets desire but this afternoon the circuitous route toward Helen's nipple took a wayward, yet vital turn. This morning, awakening to hypnopompic gloom, I decided to clear my mind for today's session with client R. by merrily wanking to a memory of her opening thighs. With the clarity of release, I devised a plan. Months ago client R. and I agreed that dealing with her mother's death was our main concern and so we are now, in contractual terms, winding down our work together. Some esteemed colleagues, of course, will argue that psychoanalysis never ends, it is only ever abandoned. And so, spreading butter upon my toast and aware of my increasing desire for R., I decided to take the latter view. We could always explore her creepy brother.

I took my wholesome intentions to work and, with Gareth avoiding me on the stairs, entered my room in a splendid mood. It was all shattered, however, when client R., wringing a little warmth to her pale hands, confessed she had feelings for me. In choosing to wear her most archaic clothes, I sensed that R. was expecting absolution, not a response in kind. She was rolling in ashes and, ultimately, this was an ordinary act of transference. However, I was quite certain that her feelings had yet to percolate down to any form of lust and, equally, was devastated by that. Of course, her revelation served more as a reminder to me because, like all knowledge, I had known it always. I simply preferred to play with my denial. I was wholly pissed off, aware that I had weeks of work in gently, professionally, dismantling the whole thing with not a whit in it for me.

And so, I ate a crummy biscuit in the kitchen. Neil entered, looking ill. I flapped my arms a bit, suggesting I was busy. Back in my room, I felt a reckoning had occurred and, focused on my Persian, felt I had two choices. I could accept the destrudo of my recent inclinations, or I could cross the hallway, check for voices. I could gently tap on her door and, proving Isakower's thesis, take Helen's warm breast in my hand.